Hi, everybody. Welcome once again to my podcast series on how to heal your relationship.

If you haven’t tuned in to my podcast before, my name is Ayesha Jane Walker, and I am a relationship coach. I work with couples and individuals on how to navigate the many challenges that relationships can often bring. Last week, we were talking about your emotional state.

One of the points that I was making is if you are in a disempowered or low emotional state, this is really not a good place from which to try and tackle a conversation that’s often led to conflict in the past. That’s perhaps often led to both of you quickly getting triggered.

Defining A Low Emotional State

So, what do I mean by a low emotional state? Well, I’m talking about perhaps if you are feeling hopeless, for example. Already before you even go into the conversation, you’re anticipating that it’s not going to work.

It hasn’t worked in the past and therefore it’s probably not going to work this time round.

Frustration And Despair

Or perhaps you’re going into that conversation from a state of frustration with your partner.

You’re already angry before you begin. You’re feeling really frustrated with them. They seem to be obstinately going out of their way to block you, challenge you, or just annoy you.

They will not see your point of view. Or perhaps you are in a state of despair. You, a little bit like hopeless, are so low that your level of motivation to keep going is kind of on the floor. And your energy to even tackle the subject matter is so low, it’s not really going to have very much happening in that conversation before you feel like throwing in the towel.

The Problem With Judgement

So, you can probably understand, all of those states, all of those low states, are not going to serve you well in navigating that conversation.

Or perhaps, as a very common example, you are in a state of judgement around your partner. You’ve already made up your mind about the situation or them.

Why they are behaving the way that you are. You’ve already analysed what you feel is going on, and your mind is kind of already made up.

Resistance And Defensiveness

Again, this level of resistance, because that’s really what it is, or defensiveness that you’re already in, is just going to generate more of the same from your partner. So, an awareness of your state before you have that conversation is very, very important.

Step One: Connect with Yourself

So, step one: connect with yourself.

Take a time out and find out where you are.

Now, a lot of people have an idea that they are where they are because they are just reacting to their partner. They don’t actually have any control over where they are.

The Myth Of External Control

The reason they are where they are, in this state of frustration, anger, judgement, criticalness, hopelessness, whatever the state is, is caused by their partner’s behaviour.

Okay, you feel your state is caused by the way your partner is being. Well, I am going to suggest a very big new idea.

Nobody can actually cause you to be in any state. You ultimately get yourself into that state.

Autonomy Over Emotional State

Now, there may be good reason for it. I’m not saying there isn’t.

I’m not saying your partner is not misbehaving or could not communicate or behave towards you in a better or different way.

What I am saying is, you have autonomy over your emotional state. There are things that you can do to shift your state, irrespective of how your partner is being or behaving.

The Power Of State Mastery

When you connect up, when you take that moment in time to check in where you are and determine what state you are in, there are very real practical things you can then do to change your state.

Okay, it’s state mastery. So that when you do choose to go into that communication with your partner, that conversation, you are coming from a much more empowered place.

Leveraging The Physical To Change Your State

Okay, so we mentioned that some of these things are very, very practical.

So, the first thing I want you to think about is your physical self. When you are in a particular state, I want you to imagine for a moment you are in a state of hopelessness.

I am going to bet that physically, you are demonstrating that state of hopeless. Probably, you don’t even need to say a word to your partner for them to already get an idea that you are feeling hopeless, or low, or depressed.

You’re perhaps hanging your head, your shoulders are slumped, your eyes are down.

Your facial expression is saying a million words, even if you’re not using any.

Physical Actions To Shift Your State

So, if you want to shift yourself out of hopelessness, one of the things you can do is shift your physical body.

Very simple. I do this with kids sometimes when I have that blessed opportunity to give advice to somebody who is young and open-minded.

I get them to smile and put their hands in the air, and immediately, even if they’ve been upset or angry or crying a minute ago, they can shift their emotional state just by changing their physical body.

Adults Can Shift Too

Adults can do this too, guys. Shift your physical state into something that demonstrates something that is very different to the state that you are in.

So, if you’re feeling hopeless, stand up, get your body moving, play some music that gets your heartbeat up, that lifts your emotions out of hopelessness.

Go for a run. Physical exercise is an amazing way to shift your state.

Dealing With Anger

Now, let’s say your state isn’t hopelessness or depression. Let’s say it’s anger. You’re really raging. You’re so frustrated. You are steaming.

Again, you can use everything I’ve just said to shift your state of anger into a place of calmness. Again, it could just be as simple as getting your body moving by going for a run, go and do a little bit of meditation, go and listen to something that is inspiring, that shifts your state.

Just take a breath. That alone can shift a state of feeling immensely triggered and angry and frustrated to something that’s a little bit calmer.

Shifting Your Mental State

So, there’s all these wonderful physical things that you can do with your body and your environment to actually shift your emotional state to another state. Another thing that you can do to shift your state that has got nothing to do with your physiology is to shift your thinking.

To become aware of what thoughts are going round and round in your head.

The Role Of Beliefs And Self-Talk

What are you telling yourself about the situation? What beliefs are you holding about yourself, your partner, or the thing that you are conflicting over that might be disempowering you?

Perhaps you’re telling yourself that the whole thing is an absolute waste of time.

Maybe you’ve come up with a belief that your partner must be basically selfish as a person or controlling as a person to do or not do the things that they are doing.

Challenging Your Thoughts

Maybe you’ve come up with a conclusion that they’re just out for themselves. That they no longer love you.

That they have no respect for you. That they are only really interested in taking care of themselves and have no regard for you whatsoever.

Can you see, if this is already your thoughts and your mindset before you even go into a conversation with them, how well do you think that that conversation is going to go?

The Impact Of Negative Self-Beliefs

I can tell you, if that’s where you are coming from, you are going to be in a state of defence or resistance before you’re even out of the gate.

And all that will get is more of that boomerang back to you. Or maybe it’s not a thing that you’re telling yourself about your partner that’s your problem. Perhaps you’re telling yourself things about yourself that is the problem.

Self-Empowerment In Communication

Maybe you’re telling yourself you’re no good at communication.

You’re completely hopeless when it comes to relationships. You’re an idiot. You’re a fool. All you do is let people take advantage of you, etc., etc., etc. If that is what you are holding about yourself, if those are the beliefs that you are having around yourself, how empowered are you going to be in a conversation with your partner?

Changing The Narrative

How effective are you going to be coming up with great solutions that meet your needs and your partner’s, if that is your level of self-belief in yourself?

Now, once you become aware of that voice in your head, the next thing you might want to consider is challenging it. Is it true? Is what you believe about your partner or yourself actually real?

Or is it just a meaning that you’ve actually come up with to try and explain why things are the way they are?

The Power Of Meaning

Because if it’s the latter, which it pretty much always is, that can be changed. And when you change the meaning, you change your state.

When you change what you think something means, “My partner does X, so this must mean Z. I do Y, so this must mean that I will continue doing Y for the end of my days,” when you challenge your meanings, you can change your state.

Okay, so that’s a very big topic, so we’re not going to go too deep down that particular rabbit hole this week.

But we will be delving back into the power of meanings and how we, as human beings, are quite naturally meaning-making machines. We can’t help it. When something happens, we’ve got to find a reason for it, right?

However, if you’re just finding a reason, could you not find a great reason, an empowering reason, rather than a disempowering reason?

Some big thoughts there. Okay, I’m going to leave our wonderful podcast there. Once again, we will pick up that thread next week and talk a little bit more about how you have the power to change the meanings you give things. And when you really grasp that power, you can change your state at will.

I hope that sounds inspiring and exciting, and I will leave you on that hopefully inspiring, exciting note until we get to speak again, once more, in seven days’ time. Until then, have a fantastic week.