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Hi everybody, a very warm welcome to this week’s episode of how to heal your relationship.

Broadcast, as always, from my 70-foot narrowboat where I live with my husband and my cat Lucy on the River Thames. It is absolutely beautiful out here and if you happen to hear the quacking of ducks and the squawking of geese or the running of an engine or a cat going through a cat flap that is why.

So hopefully this week’s episode will be reasonably free from interruptions because I’d like to continue the thread of what we were talking about last week and that was needs.

Non-Violent Communication

So we’ve covered being connected to your feelings and we have covered being connected to your needs. Now anybody listening in who knows a little bit about a communication style called NVC (non-violent communication) created by a wonderful guy called Marshall Rosenberg will probably have already guessed that.

I am highly influenced by that good man. If you haven’t come across him before go and check him out, he’s written books, he’s got stuff on YouTube, sadly no longer with us in body but very much still with us through the amazing work he did helping people resolve conflict.

And one of the things he talks about in addition to feelings and needs is being able to make a request.

Making A Request

So that’s what I wanted to talk about a little this week because if you do know what your feeling, perhaps sad, lonely, frustrated, angry, whatever that feeling might be, you can then hopefully identify that you might be having a need.

So perhaps it’s for some joy in your life, some peace in your life, some space from your partner, some collaboration from your partner.

So this is the great thing when you’re connected to your feelings and you’re connected to your needs, you can be connected to what you are needing. Once you’re connected to what you’re needing, then it’s time to ask.

Now that’s a whole other area of communication. How do you ask for what you need so that it lands really well with your partner and they’re really very motivated to give you what you’re needing.

Perhaps it’s time or space or or attention or as I think I said earlier, something like just collaboration or companionship, right? How do you ask for those things that you are realising you’re missing?

Don’t Demand

Well, what you don’t do is demand them. You don’t say things like, you need to give me some space. That is not making a request. That is making a demand.

If you make demands for what you are needing, you are likely to be met with resistance from your partner, even if they could meet your request. They just won’t because of the way you asked it.

They will defend their own little bit of territory there and they won’t give it. It won’t land well.

I suggest that once you’re connected to what you are needing from your partner, you ask your request and don’t demand. But here’s the question.

How do you know if something is a request or a demand?

Well, some things are quite obvious. If you say, you need to give me a bit more time, that’s fairly obviously a demand. We can hear that in the words, ‘you need to’. ‘You must’, right? Those are demand words.

And in the tonality, of course, you may remember, much of our communication is actually tonality. It’s not the words.

So how about you were to say the same thing, but in a very nice way? Well, I’d really appreciate it if you could give me a bit more time, or it would be so nice if you could give me a little help with this. I could really do with your assistance, right?

You might be asking in that way. Tonality’s nice, words are nice. It’s certainly formed as a request, but you might be surprised to learn that doesn’t always mean it’s a request.

Why? Well, if you cannot countenance a no from your partner to your request, it was never a request.

Your Willingness To Hear A No

A request allows and accepts that the person you are talking to, your partner in this case, absolutely has the right to say no. And that’s how you know it’s a request. Your level of willingness to hear a no.

If you are willing to hear a no and work with that, then that was genuinely a request. If you weren’t, go back to the drawing table and think about asking for what you want, not demanding it.

So just to summarise and emphasise: doing it in a nice way with sweet tonality doesn’t mean it’s a request. Okay, so I think we’ve kind of covered that. But what do you do when you get a no? Right? What’d you do with a no?

Well, I can tell you what you don’t do. It’s get triggered.

Don’t go and lose your shit when someone says no. Get a little state mastery. Don’t get triggered.

If you want to know a little bit more about not getting triggered, I did a whole episode on that. So go back and listen to that one. There’s a whole bunch of things you could do to help not get triggered. Go and listen.

But in essence, it’s stay in listening mode. Don’t go into judgement of your partner. There will be a reason that they are saying no to you. And for them, it will be a good reason.

However unreasonable, it may feel at this stage to you.

Get Curious Not Furious

Get curious, not furious at this stage.

Okay, go and find out the why of why they are not able to meet your need. Go and find out why. Don’t get triggered. Stay calm. Stay in your rational brain. Don’t go primal on them.

So let’s say you’ve managed to do that. Let’s say you’ve managed to keep your cool and you’re not getting triggered and you’re staying in listening mode. So remember, if you’re really in listening mode and you want to demonstrate you’re in listening mode, you might want to reflect back what you heard your partner say when they said no.

Often we get triggered and we hear all sorts of things when they’re saying no because we’re upset and it’s going through a big old filter and we’re not listening out for their why and their reasoning and their feelings and their needs.

Reflect Back

That’s what you want to be listening for now, their feelings and their needs and their why. And then to make sure you got it, reflect it back.

Maybe they are saying I really, really would love to help you out with, I don’t know what was it, cooking the dinner right now. And I just can’t. I’ve got this really, really important call and a lot depends on it and I really got to make it and I just can’t.

Okay, so that might be a very common sort of household no. So what you want to do is reflect that back. Before you offer a solution, before you tell them why they’re wrong and what they should be doing and how if they were really recognising and appreciating you, they would be first of all looking to meet your need.

Don’t do any of that. Stay in reflecting mode and just make sure you heard what you thought you heard. So in that situation, it might be okay, you would like to help me with dinner, I heard that and you’ve got this really important call and it sounds like there’s a lot hanging on it and you’re, maybe you’re feeling a bit worried about that.

You can go in and guess at their feelings. Remember, you’re listening for their feelings and you’re listening for their needs.

So if you’re listening for your, for their needs, you might be saying and you’re, you’re really needing to be focused on that job before you can come and help me with dinner. If that’s what your request was.

So reflect it back in that way, particularly reflecting back what their feelings were. Maybe they’re worried, they’re feeling a bit overwhelmed and what their needs are to focus on that before they can be available to you.

Now just doing that, just doing that alone magic can happen. It’s often at that point, your partner will come forward and say yes, that’s true and it’s so nice that you listen and then you’ve got it and absolutely I’ll be as quick as I can and then I’ll be right with you and you’ve got the solution there.

They’ve already as they’re appreciating your reflecting back. They’re offering a solution. That doesn’t always happen. Let’s be honest, okay?

They may be feeling triggered and exhausted themselves. So again, stay in listening mode, reflect back and make sure you did understand what the situation was. And when you’ve got that time to do that, as you’re reflecting back, you’ll find you’re also processing yourself, they’re why.

Stay Calm

And you’re staying in this lovely, calm and rational place and it is in that place that solution comes if they’ve not been able to come up with an alternative solution. It’s from there that you might because it’s in a place of being aligned with your partner.

It’s a place of being empathic with your partner and compassionate when you’re demonstrating alignment, compassion and listening even when you’re getting a no, you’re in a place of alignment. It’s from that area that creative solution comes that you start to think or suggest things that could meet their needs and meet your needs.

It’s not always instantaneous and it sometimes does require a bit of left field thinking but it definitely won’t happen if you’re in a state of being triggered or if you got angry at them and now they’re really triggered.

There is no alignment there, there is no inspiration, there is no creativity, there is no imagination for finding that path that will meet your needs and will meet theirs. Very, very important.

So I hope you enjoyed this week’s episode talking about how to make a request.

Again, if you have really enjoyed these last few episodes talking about needs and feelings and making requests, do go and check out Marshall Rosenberg, an absolutely amazing man, well worth taking and look at.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed all the information today, go forth, don’t just listen but put it into practice.

Try it out on your unsuspecting partner and see what happens. Okay, take care till we speak again, all the best.

Ayesha Jane

Ayesha is an experienced relationship coach, living close to nature on a boat on the River Thames with her husband Alan and a feisty cat called Lucy. She's still in love after 38 years, and helps couples and individuals resolve differences, improve communication, and build fulfilling vibrant relationships.