Hi everybody, a very warm welcome to this week’s episode of How to Heal Your Relationship.

My name is Ayesha Jane Walker and I’m a relationship coach. In this series I like to share some of the tips, tools and techniques that I use with the individuals and the couples that I work with in my own coaching practice.

Unrealistic Expectations

So I thought I would start this morning by sharing a rather naughty addiction that I had as a teenager growing up. I absolutely loved romance novels.

In fact I say as a teenager my addiction to romance novels went well into my 20s and early 30s and I have to confess that it still continues in some form today.

As I caught myself getting totally wrapped up in the latest Bridgerton series which is a rather fantastical romance set in a mythical age that looks a little bit like the Victorian age and it is what you might call a bodice ripper. Lots of passion and ripping of bodices and that sort of thing.

It’s absolutely delightful and it and all the other romances that I ever had and in most Hollywood movies I have to say. The idea that they present to us of love and relationships is totally unrealistic.

Anybody that’s ever been in a relationship will not feel it’s like either a Mills and Boon or Hollywood movie or an episode of Bridgerton. It might be for a moment in time but let’s be honest guys that is not what true love is.

Clearing Up Your Mess

True love is a lot more messy isn’t it? And that brings me to the subject of today’s podcast. I want to call this podcast clearing up your mess because relationships are messy. They’re not hearts and flowers all the time. We don’t always put our best foot forward.

We might well strive for a conscious relationship, have good intentions to step up and become more skilled and wiser in our relationships.

And because we’re still human beings we’re still going to lose our shit, get triggered and behave badly. Let’s be honest.

So that is what I wanted to talk about today. Those times when you go bad, when you go dark, when you do not present yourself in a way that you are proud of. What to do?

Accept That Conflict Exists

Well first of all take away the unrealistic goal that you will never do this. That isn’t the goal of my coaching or anybody who knows anything about relationships to get you to this mythical place in which you never have conflict.

It is a mythical place. In my experience you will always have it to some degree. For sure there’s many things you can do to reduce that but it’s still going to come up.

There’s still going to be those days where you are stressed, frightened, anxious, worried, overwhelmed, confused and you are going to lose your shit and you’re going to behave badly.

And then it’s time to get good at what is really the goal in relationships, clearing up your mess and the goal here to be a little bit more specific is how quickly can you do it?

How can you shorten the time between you getting triggered and you going back to your partner and taking responsibility for you getting triggered? And what are you going to do? It’s not just about getting conscious, right?

Begin With A Conversation

Good relationships are not a concept and an idea of consciousness. Consciousness is an action. What are you going to do? That’s usually a conversation. It certainly begins with a conversation.

It doesn’t have to be a long conversation. It can be as simple as going to your partner and saying, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to speak to you that way. I am really sorry. And sorry my darlings does not get followed with an excuse.

Saying Sorry

If your sorry goes along the lines of, I’m sorry, but you know, you weren’t very nice either, or I’m sorry, but it wasn’t really my fault so and so stressed me out. And that’s why I was in a bad mood.

If your sorry is followed by the word but you ain’t clearing up your mess. That’s not a sorry. A sorry is just taking responsibility to go back to the person that you behaved badly with and saying, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to speak to you like that.

I’m really sorry about the way I spoke or what I said. That’s not who I really am. And that’s it. No excuses and no expectation that they have to come back with to you with a reciprocal sorry.

Take Responsibility

Because that’s not really taking responsibility. That’s just horse trading. I’ll say sorry if you say sorry, but if you don’t, I’m taking my sorry back.

That does not make a great relationship. That’s just horse trading and deal making. That’s not love. Love is turning up even when you had a good reason and a good excuse for behaving the way you did and still saying sorry without even having to go into that. Love is not expecting your partner to immediately do the same.

Be that inspirational for us. Don’t go in there with an expectation and expectation of something back from them.

Just keep doing that. And at some point, I promise you, at some point, it may take many times. At some point, they will get that that’s what you’re doing. That you’re going back and you’re clearing up your mess faster and faster more authentically without an excuse and without an expectation of anything in return.

When that’s done enough times, other people around you shift. Some take longer than others, so patience is required. When there’s been a lot of hurt in the past, patience is required because people don’t trust your sorry.

They don’t trust that you’re really authentically clearing up your mess. So be patient and stay that inspirational force in your relationship. Start clearing up your mess and make your goal just to get faster at it and better at it.

Okay, I think that’s enough for this week. Have a wonderful seven days. The next seven days includes the delightful celebration of Easter. So for all of you taking a little break around that time and celebrating this beautiful springtime of year, have gorgeous Easter as well.

And I look forward to speaking with you again in seven days time. Take care.